The Stealth Bomber

After working in an office setting for the past 6 months, I have to say that the corporate bathroom situation will always be a place of extreme anxiety. Now, I'll never know if men experience it in the same way women do, but it has got to be one of the most nerve-racking experiences that occurs on a daily basis. Even women don't think that other women fart or anything ever comes out of their back sides. We are women. We are beautiful, independent, smart and....defy the laws of physics(?) Yeah. not so much. But for some reason we still are extremely embarrassed to empty our digestive systems (a completely natural process) in the presence of others, most especially in front of other women. I don't know if I've ever encountered a woman who has enough confidence to disregard the 'evacuation process' as a mere nothing. I do, however, think there should be some consideration for others as you egest your food.

Here are a few guidelines to consider when visiting the water closet:

1. The courtesy flush is a must. I don't want to 'suddenly realize' that you had curry chicken with shiitake mushrooms last night.

2. If there are hand driers in there, USE THEM! If not to spare yourself, than for those poor souls whose evacuations are incredibly audible. It's a win-win really.

3. Don't stand around if you know someone is droppin a fat deuce. Don't stand and fix your make-up, hair, etc. Just leave. It's considerate to leave the premises as quickly as possible.

4. If you know it's going to be comparable to the bombing of Hiroshima, explore other bathrooms on different floors or other sides of the building to preserve some of your dignity through anonymity.

For some reason, a woman will sit on the toilet for over 20 minutes in complete silence if she's having a stand-off with another dueler. Neither makes a noise and pretends that they aren't filled up to their gizzards with poop, but they both secretly know. It's silly but we still get embarrassed. This is where the courtesy flush comes in and saves a lot of time and effort to conceal the truth. Just let it go... literally.

I hope that these words I impart to you will somehow make your life a little less stressful and that you will actually heed my advice. In this way, you may finally consider yourself a truly Stealth Bomber.